By Karen Kallen-Brown, LPC, TCC Children’s Sevices Clinician
Believe it or not, children’s mental health begins in utero, long before they’re born. The brain and nervous system are developing throughout the pregnancy. So anything that can be done to support the parents in being healthy in body, mind, and spirit will help set that child up for the best chance at wellness and healthy development. If there is a mental health issue such as anxiety or depression, it is best to get treatment to manage the symptoms during pregnancy. From conception to birth, the developing fetus is determining the answer to the question: “Do I exist?” They respond to sounds, touch, and movement.
The birth process is highly stressful, and the infant emerges from a warm, dark environment, surrounded by the mother’s bodily rhythms (moving, heart beating, etc.) into a dry, cold, and usually bright and noisy environment. It’s shocking! When newborn infants can be placed on their mother’s chest to feel her warmth and hear her heartbeat, they typically relax. A newborn recognizes their mother’s smell, so removal for adoption or other reasons can be unsettling. A newborn will show a preference for their parents’ voices. They will also be able to copy their parents’ facial movements, such as sticking out a tongue if the parents are patient enough to wait for the baby to figure out how to make the movement. It’s fascinating how human babies are primed to attach to their parents and learn by observing and interacting with them!
The baby’s nervous system is very sensitive and responds to the energy of the nervous systems around them. If there is high energy, the baby’s system is likely to rev up and also be high energy. If the energy is low, the baby’s energy will likely shut down. When mothers are depressed, babies can show signs of depression in as little as three weeks! It is very important to be very supportive of mothers and to encourage them to get help if they are experiencing postpartum depression. While it is common for new mothers to experience the baby blues, rapidly changing emotions as their body adjusts to the sudden changes in hormones, it is not normal for a mother to experience symptoms such as anxiety, sadness, anger and irritability, difficulty sleeping, or intrusive thoughts (which might include thoughts of harm to their infant), and these can indicate postpartum depression. If they last more than two weeks or are severe, get help right away. Mothers with a history of anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder are at higher risk for postpartum depression.
The baby’s brain and nervous system are developing at an incredibly fast rate during their first three years of life. The infant’s first task for developing emotional wellness is to answer the question, “Is the world okay?” This developmental stage goes from birth to about 18 months. Are the parents attuned to their baby’s needs and responding to them in a timely and appropriate way? Or does the baby have to escalate into a very distressed state crying to get their needs met? If they can’t get their needs met, they may give up and shut down. They may experience failure to thrive, or they may develop a tendency to withdraw, making them more vulnerable for developing depression.
From 18 to 36 months, toddlers are trying to answer the question, “Am I okay?” If they are given chances to try developmentally appropriate things, they develop skills and feel capable and competent. This leads to healthy self-esteem. We want to resist the urge to help them out right away and only give the least amount of help necessary when they are getting frustrated, so they learn they can do hard things. Life can be hard, so we need to help them develop the capacity to keep trying when things are difficult.
From three to six years old, children wonder, “How much can I do?” They will be eager to try many new things and need adults to keep them safe and supported. The joy of exploring and learning new things is developing and each bit of mastery builds that healthy self-esteem and confidence.
From seven to eleven years of age, children try to figure out “How well can I do it?” They compare themselves to others and make value judgements about whether they are good enough. They often need a lot of support and encouragement to recognize that they are worthy, and that if they stick with challenges, they can develop better skills. Parents who are attuned to their children will be able to tell when a break is needed because something is too difficult or stressful and when their child just needs more support, more practice, and more encouragement. Often, using the word, “yet” is enough to keep the child engaged in activities they may have an urge to avoid. “You’re learning how to do ____. You haven’t learned it yet, and I’m confident you will be able to in your own time.”
From around eleven years of age through the teens, the big challenge is figuring out “Who am I?” These are times when peer, family, and community values are explored. Different roles may be tried on. Different fashions, styles, activities, and interests emerge. Emotions can be strong and change quickly. Respect your child’s reality, yet set clear limits and be consistent with positive or negative consequences when limits are tested.
Raising healthy children is the most challenging task parents ever face. It’s also the most important job you’ll ever have. Remember, we only have to be “good enough” parents. Be realistic about what you can do and reach out for help and support when needed. “It takes a village to raise a child,” is very true. Find humor, especially when things don’t go as planned. Laugh with your children, not at them. Love them even when you hate their behavior. Discipline to teach them and do it in a calm, firm, and kind way. Be the best role model you can be, even when it means admitting your own mistakes and learning from them. Praise effort, creativity, behaviors that align with your values, and creativity. Keep promises so they know they can trust you and believe what you tell them. Work to stay connected with them: know where they are and what they’re doing. Spend time doing things together: games, traditional activities, bedtime stories and routines, mealtimes together where everyone shares something positive in their day. Save negatives for a set time when they can air grievances.
Reach out to TCC Behavioral Health if you feel you’d like more information on any of these stages or if you are experiencing any challenges. We’re all in this together, and we all want our children to grow into healthy, capable, connected, and resilient adults. Together we can make this happen for all our children.