Coping with Holiday Grief

Holidays can be very difficult for people who have experienced death of a loved one. Memories are a constant reminder of the loss in our lives. It can be painful and overwhelming, particularly in the first year after a death. I found out, as we grieve, it is important to acknowledge that the first holiday season will be painful and it may sometimes feel like you will not get through the pain.

I dealt with the loss of my father, Richard Frank, who died in 2012, and my brother, Parker Frank, who died in 2021, both of whom I miss dearly. After they passed, I felt like the holidays didn’t matter; I did not feel the same about Christmas as I did before. I felt excited and would look forward to preparing/decorating my house, playing Christmas music, looking at all the Christmas lights, watching Hallmark Christmas movies or for the men Die Hard, and the joyful stuff like “It’s The Most Wonderful Time of Year.” It did not feel all that wonderful or exciting –I barely put up the tree to decorate and I didn’t even feel like shopping. Eventually, I did get the tree up and decorate, but it felt just routine–there was no meaning for me. I had to decorate for my children and for my niece and nephew’s sake to make sure they had a Holiday. My children helped me through the Holidays. Remember, you’re not the only one grieving—your children are grieving too. Pay attention to the children and find ways to help them get through the holiday, and if they want to talk about the loved one they lost, let them talk about the person and listen.

As you try to cope, remember these tips during the holidays:

• Set realistic expectations for yourself. Do what feels right. It’s up to you which activities, traditions or events you can handle. On the other hand, if the activities are good distractions that bring joyful feelings and good memories, just enjoy that time.
• Don’t feel guilty about having fun. Accept your feelings. I had to accept and acknowledge my feelings during that time. I felt sad from time-to-time. I did shed a lot of tears, but I also laughed at the memories of my brother who always makes me laugh, of helping my father hooking up dogs as a young girl sometimes yelling at me to hurry up, or of going for a boat ride with both my parents and siblings.
• Get in touch with your feelings and emotions. Acknowledge what you’re feeling. Talk with someone about what you’re feeling—this will help you process what you’re going through. Do get help. It is okay to reach out. When my father died, I found out I was going through depression and decided I needed to get help, so I reached out to a counselor. I had to talk out what I was feeling and identify what I was going through.
• Talk to loved ones about their memories. When I travel to the village, I love to listen to the stories people share with me about when my dad worked on the Yutana Barge Line, and all the dances they had on the Yukon River or other stories. Family and friends told me funny stories about my brother. Those were the fond memories of my father and brother. To me, hearing these stories was their way of honoring my father or brother. What I’m saying is–cherish those fond memories. If you want to honor your loved one, you can share a story about your loved one. We all had a special relationship with our loved ones or family, and the people in the community will miss the person in their own way.
• Take care of yourself. I had to remember to take care of myself. It is important get rest and eat healthy. It’s important to take care of yourself so you will be there for your family and others. My advice is to stay away from alcohol to self-medicate your emotions—this does not help at all. It is all about taking care of yourself.
• Allow others to help. We do need help to get us through this time. Remember your children or grandchildren are grieving too.
• Light a candle for your loved one. Make a Christmas decoration in memory of your loved one. Create an ice lantern that holds a candle in memory of them. You can find ideas on the internet.
• If you know someone is going through a difficult time, help them out. Just do things that will help or visit with them. Be supportive in some way. Please don’t offer alcohol—this is not helpful.

Make this Christmas one of remembering the good times and celebrating the lives of your loved ones. May the true meaning of the holiday season fill your heart and home—joy and many blessings.

If you need to talk to someone, please contact your local Behavioral Health Aide. You can also call:

TCC Behavioral Health
1-800-478-7822

Roxanne Frank
1-800-478-6822 ext. 3581

The Careline
1-877-266-4357

“At the rising sun and at its going down, we remember them. At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter, we remember them. At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring, we remember them. At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer, we remember them. At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn, we remember them. At the beginning of the year and when it ends, we remember them. As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as we remember them.”
– Sylvan Kamens and Rabbi Jack Riemer